I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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