I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize