Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
