Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
