i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
