took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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