the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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