I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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