that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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