we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize