Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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