I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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