My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
