Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
