i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
