for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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