Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
