someone get that fucking seahorse.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
