I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
