your parents love me but you hate me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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