:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
