One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
