you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
