u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
