Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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