I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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