Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
