so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize