Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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