This is not my ceiling
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
