I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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