We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
