Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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