I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
