she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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