Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
