My underwear smells like fireworks.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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