I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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