ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Randomize
