my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
