When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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