How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
