it was like eating out sand paper
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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