I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
