I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
