It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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