Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
