awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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