We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
