dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
