haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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