you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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