i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
