You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
