I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
