dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
