Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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