Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
