the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
