I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
