and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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